Forgiving is Not Forgetting: This holiday season, forgive yourself and forgive your dog

“Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering—remembering and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”
― Desmond Tutu

I think forgiveness is an important gift we can give ourselves and our dogs. It can increase our dogs’ welfare, and give our dogs—and ourselves—a more joyful existence. Since the holiday season should have a bit more joy, I think it’s a reasonable time to ponder forgiveness.

Forgive your dog

Dogs do not operate out of spite or act in revenge. The majority of what they do is aimed at getting what they want out of the world, or avoiding the things they don’t want. They want more of us, typically, and more food, more glorious napping locales, more fun, more games, more comfort, and more play. Sometimes, in the seeking of these, dogs do things we don’t like. They jump up on us with muddy paws. They disregard a request to approach us when other things in their world are simply more engaging, which can be unreasonably embarrassing when other people are around. They lick their coats to groom themselves, even when we really need some peace and quiet. They play roughly and loudly inside our homes, they chew our most expensive stuff, they bark out the window during important Zoom meetings, they squabble and roll in odd and smelly substances and so, so, so much more.

But they are really only doing this because they’re amazingly, gloriously, dogs. Not in an indictment of us, I promise. So even though it can be frustrating, aggravating, annoying, rage-inducing, weep-inducing, and any number of other very human and very real emotions, we can’t blame our dogs for being the very thing that we love most about them: that they’re dogs.

For this reason, we must forgive them. But it doesn’t mean we must, or should necessarily, forget. If our dogs are being pesky by barking and chewing up a storm, we need to remember to meet their needs, with exercise, enrichment, and a bit of tidying up to prevent them from damaging things we want protected. If our dogs are behaving in ways we find frustrating, we must remember to book in with a trainer and figure out ways to live more peaceably together (for example, you can easily train your dog to refrain from jumping up, so you won’t even need to get angry in the first place). It makes sense to improve our dogs’ environments and update their behaviour so forgiveness is needed a bit less frequently in the future, doesn’t it?

Forgive Yourself

Our dogs aren’t the only ones who deserve forgiveness. If you’ve used training techniques in the past that you regret, or if you’ve taken stock and realized you would like to do things differently, it actually makes more sense to forgive yourself rather than feeling painted into a corner, defensive about your (previous) skillset. And if you got angry at your dog for chewing noisily when you were on the phone or jumping up and managing to pull your pants right down to your knees when your mother-in-law was visiting (and if you perhaps banished your dog to their crate as a result) well, forgive yourself for that, too.

But of course, you do need to remember, along with that forgiveness. Remember and revel in the chance for a new beginning. Support dog trainers who use dog-friendly, welfare-forward techniques. Brush up on how to train and enrich your dog’s life with kindness and by understanding their unique canine motivations and behaviour.

Forgiveness means you remember, and it means you won’t strike back. It’s a platform to move forward, with finesse and joy. What could be a better gift to give yourself and your dog this holiday season?

Cover photo credit Allison Lamminen of Delighted Dogs Minnesota.